New Year’s Resolutions

I have looked around me at a world with no Carrie Fisher and lowered my standards. This year, it is my intention to be a better person than Donald Trump. I’m not attacking his politics because he isn’t a politician. He’s an overrated prick of a person and this should be taken personally.

My plan, should it go smoothly, is to not grab anyone’s pussy (or penis – an added courtesy) without consent. I don’t intend to force myself upon anyone simply because they’re beautiful. If I build a wall, I will make it an emotional wall. I will support and love my fellow man and when confronted with someone who is cruel for no damn reason, I swoop in like a pissed off turkey and educate their ignorant asses. I will not have an extramarital affair – something I didn’t realize was difficult until looking at his track record – and I will not make incredibly creepy public statements about my child’s fuckability. Instead, I will leave his awkwardness to speak for itself. I won’t walk around with an unearned sense of importance and spend my insomniac nights tweeting attacks at people who don’t give a shit about me. Instead, I will continue to lay in bed watching Bob’s Burgers and wish I had more of Louise’s qualities instead of being a Linda. 

In 2017, my goal is to be better than Donald Trump.


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